Well. It just came across my mind. What have I been doing for the past 20 years of my life? Other people my age are already earning their own money. But here I am. Stuck in ns. Don't even know what I wan to do next time. Fucked up my diploma, owing the bank 3k. Screwing up my ns life, getting a status, becoming a oc runner, and now a storeman. Should I be ashamed cos I entered army in the bmt phase. What did I achieve in army?
I keep looking back. Why did I not do this why did I not do that. I regret. But why always regret when nth can be done to salvage the situation anymore.
I could have done better for my o levels. Like I did in psle. I could have put in more effort in my poly. Like I did in olvls. I could have this I could have that. The point is. I didn't.
Forget about studies. Like talk about achievement in life. Others are proud because they either have a medal or a certificate of some awesome stuff they have done and have been given the recognition. Me? I have none. Not even a simple letter to say this person is slightly different then others.
Okay. Studies and achievements aside. Friends. Why do I keep coming back to the friends topic? No idea. But I just feel they are really important to me. But it seems like no matter how hard I try. Nth seems to change. People walking out of my life like they never existed. People only available when u are needed. Or people that doesn't even consider you as their friend. Is it me? What did I do wrong? I Mean look at other people, they got friends they can call their own. Friends that stay with them no matter what happen. Friends that can only be found in storybook or tv shows. Something I yearn for. My friends? Oh yeah. Plenty of them. So what's the Problem? Idk. I am like the only one trying to hold them back in my life. I feel so replaceable. I am the one planning the meetings. They are the ones doing the complains. Why other ppl's clique can be so active but when it comes to mine, I can't even remind when was the last time all of us went out and have fun together. This today not free. That tmr dating. I was always a option. To everyone. Why?! Why is this just happening to me.
Ok. Don't talk about friends. Let's talk about girls. I liked a girl for about 2 years of my poly life. But was too timid to do something about it. Became a joke among all my friends. Finally tried to confess, only to be told studies is the main priority. Guess what? She got attached not long after that. Fine. Forget about that one. Now, I don't even know where to start saying. I really tot everything seems fine but then everything is actually not fine. Ahh. Don't even know what I am typing.
So... Conclusion of my life so far? Screwed up fucked up wasted life. I need to move on I know. I am whiney bitch I know. I complain Alot I know. But that's just me. I was born like this. Or maybe this is just why my life have been like this. I deserved it I guess.
Anyway. Feeling very lost this few days. No idea why. Frustrated DAMN easily.
